life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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