The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
