mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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