he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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