My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
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Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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