I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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