I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
