You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
