Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
