Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
