You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Houston, we have a blender
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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