You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
