I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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