every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
