I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
