i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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