i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
