I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
