matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
