Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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