I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
