How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
