haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
