Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
