I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
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I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
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I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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