Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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