So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
