If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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