I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
