I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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