I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
