Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
