Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I am midnight drunk by noon
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
