I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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