omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
