I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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