I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
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just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
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Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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