bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
