I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
