I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
