My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
3 2 1 whiskey
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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