My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
