I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
