dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
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