Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
When did angry sex become our thing?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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