Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
fuck your aforementioned shoe
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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