found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
