This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
