good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
