no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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