Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Everyone says I win the strip club
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
