someone threw a dead crab at me
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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