How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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