I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
