My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
