If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
