Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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