so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
